Shimmer in the Darkness
by omegia
Summary: All that shimmer in this world is sure to fade away...
1. Chapter 1

**(I do not own SVU. I know the line's are not accurate I took them all from memory)(Lyrics by: Fuel-Shimmer-)**

**Tittle: The Shimmer in the darkness**

_She calls me from the cold  
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable  
And all that she intends  
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label  
She says she's ashamed  
And can she take me for a while  
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past  
But maybe I'm not able  
And I break at the bend_

**Tears rolled down her eyes as she said goodbye to the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She was leaving and she didn't even have the chance to say I love you. Now . . . now she could never get the chance to say it . . . The chance was now, she had to tell . . . she had to say I love you . . . **

**Her thoughts were broken by Elliot's voice . . . **

**She looked in his eyes.**

"**Witness Protection."**

"**Until Velez **is extradited or other wise . . . dealt with." Alex said looking away from Elliot's eyes. She couldn't stand the hurt in his eyes. She then focused on Olivia, which was even harder. She was on the verge of a break down.

"How long."

Alex shrugs, unable to give an answer. Her emotions getting the best of her . . .

"Where on the move. Sorry folks. Move them out." The federal marshal said looking at his watch.

Alex glanced at the marshal . . .

She had to say it. She had to say how she felt. It's now or never. Who knows when she'll see any of them again . . .

"Ms. Cabot we have to go."

"I know I just . . . " She struggled to find the right words. " I just . . . I–."

"Ms. Cabot . . . "

Alex couldn't do it, not like this. Not in front of these people. Not like this . . . She took one last look at them then got in the car, tears flowing . . . The car door closes. Alex closed her eyes as the SUV pulled off . . .

_  
We're here and now, but will we ever be again  
'Cause I have found  
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade  
Away again_

She now sits in her new "home," alone. Her friends gone, her life, her family . . .

What was she to do, she had nothing? Nothing except a new life she didn't want to live. Sure she had a home, a cat, a job, a new name, new everything, even a new love interest. Love? Love is not what she would call it. Platonic love. You can say, but is it even that?

Alex got up from the couch and took hold of a wine bottle her new love interest gave her. Love? Was it? ...

"I can't love, not in this life time . . . "

_She dreams a champagne dream  
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper  
Lavender and cream  
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her  
She says that love is for fools who fall behind  
And I'm somewhere in between  
I never really know  
A Killer from a savior  
'Til I break at the bend_  
::

It's been long, to long since she left. She never said how much she cared. Maybe now she can after all she was back. Back in New York, back where she belonged.

Alex walked inside the office, she was so familiar of.

Olivia and Elliot turned toward her.

"Alex." Olivia whispered...

"You Didn't had to come back."

"I know, but who else was going to keep you out of trouble." Alex said smiling.

"Before everyone gets reacquainted, there waiting for us in court." Casey interrupted, obviously irritated.

She left the room.

Alex looked at Elliot.

"She's nice." Alex said in a sarcastic tone.

"She reminds me of you." Elliot said grinning.

"I'll wait for yall to outside." Olivia said walking past Alex, not looking in her eyes.

"Im glad im here Elliot, I've missed both of you."

"I know we've missed you to."...

Alex sits in a chair across from Elliot. They had just finished a game of Backgammon.

"I should be trying the bastard who shot that little boy." Alex said in frustration. She wanted to be the one that put that guy in jail for what he did, to her as well as Antonio...

Her thoughts were broken by a knock at the door. Elliot quickly got up, and pulled out his gun. Slowly walking towards the door.

Alex stood up.

"El its liv, open up." Olivia's voice came from behind the door.

Elliot put his gun away, now convinced. He open the door to see Olivia standing there. Olivia entered greeting Alex in the process.

"You get your beauty sleep, I'll be back 8:00 sharp tomorrow morning." Elliot said while getting his things.

"Goodnight." Olivia said as he left...She shut the door behind him.

"He beat you again?" Olivia asked even though she new the answer.

"Like a rug." Alex said smiling.

Olivia smiled taking of her jacket. "You wanna play again?"

Alex shook her head sighing. "I wish these windows would open, I wanna smell the city."

Olivia walked over to Alex. "You mean the rotten garbage and the diesel exhaust."

Alex looked at Olivia. "Wisconsin is so quite, sometimes when I get homesick, I hum the Mr. Softy song." Alex said showing a weak smile.

"You made any friends?" Olivia asked. Almost immediately she wish she Didn't, seeing the hurt in Alex eyes.

"There's this claims adjuster in the insurance agency where I work, we've been seeing each other."

Olivia looked at Alex. Was this man the person that made Alex happy? Was she happy?

"He thinks im from Tulsa, and when we are in bed, he whispers my name...Emily."

Olivia could see the pain in Alex face, the hurt in her eyes, the regret...

She couldn't take it. The pain, he hurt...

"Its hard to be someone your not." Olivia said.

Her words hit Alex to close to home. Its like Olivia was looking in her soul. Olivia was right, it is hard to be someone your not. She Didn't want this life, she Didn't want to hide, she Didn't want to be Emily, she Didn't want this...

"Liv'... im living a life I don't want to live. Im living a lie."

"I know but, you had to go, you had leave–."

"No liv I... Even before this. Before this I was living a lie."

Olivia looked at Alex obviously confused.

Alex felt tears rolling down her eyes. Her secrets were to painful to tell...

_We're here and now, but will we ever be again  
'Cause I have found  
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade  
Away again_

Alex sat on the court room bench after testifying, waiting for the verdict.

She admits, Casey is a good prosecutor. Alex thought of the comment made by Elliot.

Her thoughts were cut off by the juror that stood up. The verdict was in...

"Guilty."

The words kept coming. All counts, guilty.

Alex smiled. She wanted this. She was happy, or so she thought...

Casey Novak and Elliot walked in the room greeted by familiar faces. They won, they had put the man in jail. They had given Antonio and Alex there life back...

Olivia came in the room, obviously happy. Carrying a bottle of champagne .

"Lets get this party started." Olivia said shutting the door behind her and smiling.

"Alex knew just how to push Conner's buttons." Cragen said.

Olivia smiled. "Well she's a great prosecutor."

Cragen nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah and you gave her the ammunition."

Olivia looked at Cragen taken aback. Could he have known about the files she had shown Alex.

Her thoughts were broken by footsteps outside of the door.

Every one's attention focused on the door.

It open and there came in agent.

Olivia looked surprise as did everyone. No sign of Alex.

"Where's Alex?" Olivia asked.

"Marshals are moving her and Antonio to new identities. She asked me to say goodbye, especially to you detective stabler."

They couldn't believe it. Alex was gone again.

Elliot looked away, on the verge of tears. He couldn't believe it. She had just got here and now she's gone...again.

"She also wanted me to give you this detective." He said looking at Olivia. He gave her a letter.

She took it.

The man left, leaving everyone to ponder.

Olivia wiped the tears away from her eyes. Opening the letter she lean on the table behind her...

Her eyes widen as she read the letter...

_To Liv'_

_If your reading this it means im gone. I left without telling you goodbye. I know how hard it is to not say goodbye... Liv remember when you came over and you said that it was hard to be someone your not. Well your right. Im being some one im not. As im writing this im trying to find the right words. The right words to tell you how I feel...I guess the right words is simple. 3 little words that means a lot. I love you. I've always loved you and I still do. I...I care so much for you. I wanted to tell you this a while ago, when I first left but I just couldn't... I feel like a coward for not telling you this in person. Please realize that I don't want to hurt you. I just...I love you more then anything, more then anyone. I fell in love with from the start but I was just so afraid. Afraid that you wouldn't love me. You probably reading this and thinking of a way to let me down easy. I know that you had many men in your life but, it really doesn't matter to me. Not anymore. Because Liv' I just cant stop thinking about you. Even when I was in Wisconsin, I thought about you each and every day. I dreamt about you each night. I just don't know... Honestly the reason why I dint do this in person is because of my fear of you rejecting me._ _I Didn't want to get hurt. I Didn't want any of us to get hurt...Well I guess I Didn't succeed. Look liv' I love you. I want you to be here with me, but, I know that you cant. You probably wouldn't want to be here with me anyway. Well, I guess this is...Goodbye_

_Love you always,_

_Alex _

_It's too far away for me to hold  
It's too far away..._

_It's too far away for me to hold  
It's too far away.._

A year and 3 months later Olivia found herself in her house flipping threw magazines and eating her food.

Her life was good. Great actually, she actually met someone. Someone who knew her field of work and was ok with it... Everything was good...

She continued looking threw her magazine. Waiting for Peter, her fiance, to get out of the shower... Suddenly there was a knock at the door. She put her magazine down and slowly walked to the door. She open it, expecting one of Peter's brothers. As she open it, she saw that it wasn't. It was a woman.

"Can I help you?" Olivia said not recognizing the raven haired green eyed woman.

Tears rolled down the woman's eyes. "I waited so long for this moment, liv its me. Its Alex."

Olivia froze, hearing Alex voice. It was in fact Alex.

"Say something liv, anything. Talk about my new hair color, talk about my contacts, talk about anything. Just...please say something." Alex said crying.

She couldn't say anything, she couldn't do anything. What was she to do?...

The pain on Alex face the regret she just couldn't take it. She couldn't...

"Liv–."

"Shut-up." Olivia finally spoke, tears also running down her face. "Shut-up, just shut-up and kiss me." Olivia said breathlessly.

They shared a passionate kiss.

Alex, finally being where she wanted to be. With Olivia.

**_We're here and now, but will we ever be again  
'Cause I have found  
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade  
Away again_**...

Olivia forgetting everything but this moment. That was until she heard Peter getting out of the shower.

She pulled away. Now fully aware of what was taking place...

"Um...I, I cant do this. I want to but I cant."

"Liv' I know how upset you might be but–."

There conversation was cut off by the presence of Peter. He walked in the room half clothed, wearing jeans, drying his hair. "Is that Rodney liv?" He asked. Not being able to see since he was drying his air with his towel.

Alex looked at the younger man.

Peter finished drying his hair and looked up.

"Oh Didn't know you had company liv, sorry about that. Im Peter Haynes by the way." He said extending his arm toward Alex.

Alex looked at him obviously bewildered. She ignored his greeting.

Peter put his hand to the side. "Or not." He said.

Alex tried to hold in the tears but it was to hard for her. She had to leave she had to...

Alex turned around furiously leaving. She was upset, she was confused. She was in pain...

"Alex!" Olivia called out to her.

"What was that about." Peter asked.

Olivia looked at him. "Look I, I got to go."

"What?"

"I have to go ok, ill be back in time to see Rodney, I just..." Olivia Didn't finish her sentence, she was to busy getting her jacket and keys. She hurriedly left, leaving Peter to wonder...

Olivia ran after Alex. She caught up with her just in time. Alex was getting in her car. Olivia called out to her.

"Alex, please, please let me explain." Olivia said out of breath.

Alex turned around, face to face with Olivia. Tears coming down.

"You don't need to explain anything liv'. I honestly do not blame you. Its been a year. Really liv you don't need to explain." Alex said, not sounding hurt.

"Alex, im so sorry." Olivia said on the verge of tears.

"Don't be, I waited to long to say that I love you." Alex said taking Olivia hand. "A ring? So your engaged."

"Im so sorry."

"Don't, don't apologize for anything. You don't need to. You have your life, and your living it. I don't want to deprive you of that. I want you to be happy."

"I want you, you're the one who makes me happy." Olivia said, now crying.

Alex shakes her head. "No, he makes you happy not me. Don't give up on him on my account. Im not worth it liv'. Im not."

Olivia was so overwhelm by her emotions, she couldn't speak.

Alex brought her lips onto Olivia's. Kissing her softly.

"I love you." Alex whispers in Olivia's ear.

Olivia closed her eyes. Savoring this moment.

She could feel Alex hands on her body. She could feel the passion.

"Just don't ever forget me."

Olivia open her eyes. "I'll never forget you Alex."

Alex wiped away Olivia's tear.

They shared one last kiss, closing the gap between them.

"Dream about me Alex." Olivia whispered as they finally parted.

Alex smiled. "Always..."

"I guess.." Olivia trailed off.

"This is goodbye."

Alex smiled, getting in her car. She took one last look at Olivia and drove off.

Olivia stood there until she could no longer bare the silence...

_It's too far away for me to hold  
It's too far away..._

_It's too far away for me to hold  
It's too far away.._

_End Chapter:_

_ -Alexx_


	2. Chapter 2

**(I decided to continue this story. Tell me what yall all think)(lyrics by Boys to men)(I had a tough time writing this-personal reason- as well as if I should use Boys to men lyrics or P. Diddy lyrics for the song-Ill be missing you. So this is the end product-Boys to men-its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday)**

**(I might not update for a while, it depends. Im going threw a lot of things right now so . . . I'll try)**

**Tittle: Shimmer in the darkness**

_How do I say goodbye to what we had?  
The good times that made us laugh  
Outweigh the bad._

**She was standing here, standing at a place she didn't want to ever be. Just two weeks ago** she was with him. Laughing, smiling. She was happy but now . . . now what was she to do. She had lost the very person that made her smile on a rough day. After a hard case, she just had to be around him and she was ok. He was the only person that actually got her, and now he's gone . . . Gone forever. She Didn't believe the new's that was given to her only a couple days ago. She couldn't come to terms with it, even now. She just couldn't . . . She ran her hands on his cold face, tears rolling down her eyes. He was really gone . . .

_I thought we'd get to see forever  
But forever's gone away  
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.  
_

She went back to the night she stood beside the bedside of her partner, confessing her secrets. All of her secrets . . .

When she had finished, he had smiled saying that he already knew everything . . . typical. Twenty minutes later, he had taken his last breath. Said his last words . . . _"_Ilove you." Three little words that meant a lot. To her it meant the love they shared for nearly six years. It meant everything to her. Closure you can say... Closure...she'll have closure when those bastards thatkilled him are dead...

_I don't know where this road  
Is going to lead  
All I know is where we've been  
And what we've been through._

One week later she found herself walking up to his grave sight. Carrying flowers. It was her first visit in a week. She just couldn't muster up the confidence... With each step she took made it even harder. She was dying inside with every second she was without him. Its just so hard to say goodbye...

She set the flowers on the side of his grave. Wiping the tears away from her eyes.

"I cant believe your gone, I cant believe ill never see you again. Im so alone—."

"Your not alone." Came a voice behind her.

She turn around, there stood the person she never thought she'd see again...

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"He was a good man, I came to pay my respects."

"You...how did you know, you weren't even at the funeral you..."

"I couldn't go, I couldn't bare to see you hurt. I couldn't..."

"I did."

"I know your upset and confused–."

"You don't know anything about me."

"How can you say that, I love you."

"You walked out of my life, I gave up everything for you. I gave up...I gave up everything, and you just walked away!"

"What I suppose to do."

"How about try and work things out. You say you love me so much but you just walked away."

"I know, I just. Please just take me back."

She shook her head. "I gave up everything and you walked away. Now, now you want me back. It looks like I have to return the favor and walk away from you..." She said wiping the tears away from her eyes. She took one last look at the headstone, smiled then walked away...

_If we get to see tomorrow  
I hope it's worth all the wait  
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday_

Four day's later, she finds herself sitting at her desk looking at the files she was looking at 45 minutes ago. She couldn't concentrate. She couldn't focus. Everything was off to her. Everything was... different.

She felt like she was dying inside...

She was... She had to get some air. She had to get away...

She walked out to the roof top. There, she could cry and no one could see, no one would judge... She walked to the edge of the roof and looked down. She remembered the time she and him would look below where the hundreds of people would go out the day and(at this point she is looking up at the night sky) up at the dark sky where millions of stars would reside...

_And I'll take with me the memories  
To be my sunshine after the rain  
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday._

"They say when we die, we are then reincarnated into stars." Came a voice behind her.

She didn't bother to turn around. She knew exactly who it was.

She felt arms around her body, lips on her cheek. She could smell a scent of vanilla in her nostrils.

"So you think he's in the sky?" She asked still not turning around to meet another.

"I think he's looking down on us and smiling. He's finally happy."

"Im not happy though, he's gone. Peter is gone, everyone is gone–."

"Peter is an ass whole."

She forced a weak smile.

"Look Elliot is with us, even now. You always have him in your heart Liv'. And you'll always have me."

It suddenly grew silent. Nothing was audible. Not even the trucks below. Or the plains above. It was only them. Only two people, nothing else. Nothing but passion. Nothing but the love they both shared...Taken in the pain, the sorrow

They both cried silently, taking with them the memories...

_And I'll take with me the memories  
To be my sunshine after the rain  
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday._..

End Chapter:

Alexx

(6xy)

This chapter is dedicated to my good friend, who passed away on the 13th.

Love you always Tyrone...


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Shimmer in the darkness

It's been years' since Elliot's death. Years since I resigned from SVU, now Im in Connecticut. I changed my hair again, shorter now. Brought a nice house as well, no longer that small apartment, it's pretty big. Im not the richest of them all but im getting by–

Her thoughts were cut off by a boy's squeaky voice.

"Mommy come pway with me!"

Olivia turned around to see a little boy with shaggy brown hair. "Is that the way you ask?"

The little boy pondered for a moment, his nose wrinkled in thought. "Mommy can you pway wit me pwease?" He replied grinning a wide semi toothless grin.

Olivia smiled, closing her laptop. "Of course, what would you like to do Miklos."

"Bake cake."

"You want to bake a cake, for who?"

Miklos smile widen. "Somebody."

"It's a secret huh, ok then well I guess we can bake a cake. Say, can you go wash your hands and take out all the things we will need."

"Yes." He replied quickly heading in the kitchen.

"Wash them with soap Mickey." Olivia called out.

"YES MA'AM." Miklos called back.

Olivia smiled, picking up the phone and dialing a number. No answer. She hung up the phone and headed down stairs towards the kitchen.

"Ok are you ready?" Olivia asked.

"Yes ma'am." He replied. "Are we going to make chocolate cake?"

"Duh." Olivia said smiling, as she went in the refrigerator and took out the eggs.

They spent what could of took 45 minutes and extended it to an hour and a half. Leaving the two covered with frosting.

"Are you ever going to tell me who the cake is for?" Olivia asked a grinning Miklos.

"You!." He squealed. "For ya birthday."

Olivia gave a small laugh. "You remembered."

"Duh." He said laughing.

"I guess I'm getting old huh?"

"You're a pretty mom." He said smiling.

"Aw that's sweet." She said as she wrapped her arms around her son.

"Just like the fosting?"

"Sweeter than the frosting."

"Mom your hurting me." He said in gasps.

"Oh sorry Mickey." She responded letting him go.

"Mom can I eat cake now?"

"Why don't you wash up first."

"Mmm ok, don't eat any yet pwease."

"I'll try." Olivia responded, watching her son go upstairs.

10 minutes pass, within that time Miklos had forgotten about any cake and was dosing off. Olivia smiled taking him to his bedroom.

"Sweet dreams Miklos."

Olivia walked down stairs to the kitchen, figuring she would clean what was left from making the cake. She turned towards the door as she heard it open. There walked in a certain blonde rambling on her cell phone. Olivia shook her head, going back to her 'duty'.

She's always like that, every time she comes in she's on her phone. 'Taking care of business' that's what she says. It doesn't bother me much but I know Miklos would want to spend more time with her–

Arms around her broke her thoughts. She felt warm lips on her skin.

"Hey sexy, how you been?"

"Good." Olivia simply said.

"Can I make it better."

"You sure you have time for that?" Olivia asked pulling away from Alex.

"What's up with you?" Alex asked confused.

"When was the last time you actually spent time with me?"

"How about last night."

"Please Alex, you weren't there it was like your mind was far from me."

"I told you it was work, its stressing liv'."

"It's always work with you!" Olivia said, her voice full of hurt.

"Well im sorry liv' but Im not only supporting the two of us I have to support an extra weight!"

"How dare you bring our son into this?!" Olivia shouted.

"Not my son liv', your's you drag me into this–." She shouted back.

"What the hell is your problem, you've been bitching for the past week!"

"This is my problem, this whole situation–."

"Your situation, I gave up everything for you." Olivia replied walking in the living room.

"You're not the only one liv'!" She shouted, walking toward Olivia.

"So what now it's my fault!" She asked looking out the window.

"I didn't ask you to come here!"

Olivia turned towards Alex in disbelief. Was this the end? All of their hopes and dreams they shared and this was what it came down to.

"Are you two fighting?" Came a small voice behind them.

They both looked around, seeing Miklos with tears in his eyes.

"No honey, we are just having a disagreement." Olivia said, her voice calmer. "Go back to bed."

Miklos nodded going back up the steps.

"I can't believe your saying this Alex." Olivia started when she new Miklos was out of earshot.

"I just—." She stopped as she heard her cell phone rang.

Olivia rolled her eyes, walking back in the kitchen. She sighs before cutting a piece of chocolate cake and putting it in a small container. She wiped away the tears that zig-zag down her face, putting the container inside a blue and white lunch box, sliding it in the refrigerator. Olivia ran her fingers threw her hair, closing her eyes.

She felt Alex arms around her. "Look Liv im sorry ok, I know Im not myself lately."

"Its ok." Olivia simply said.

Alex gently turns Olivia around to face her. "Why don't we go upstairs liv'." She stated as she kissed the other.

Olivia pulled away avoiding Alex eyes. "Don't you have somewhere to go?"

"Work can wait."

Olivia shook her head. "No, it can't, just go–."

Alex ran her hands threw her blonde hair. "I don't get you liv, you say I don't spend time with you and yet when I try, you just push me away."

"I want you to want to spend time with me."

"I do."

"No, Alex you don't, I just want things to go back like they use to be." Olivia said getting a bottled water out of the refrigerator and opening it.

"I know you do, we all do—." She was yet again cut off by the tone of her cell phone.

"Just go Alex." Olivia said, with hurt in her voice.

"Im not leaving liv', I told you work can wait we still need to finish–."

"No, we don't, im done for tonight I just need sleep and you need to go back to work." Olivia replied as she began walking toward the steps that led to their bedroom.

"Liv'..." Alex began, but she was unable to find the right words.

"Just go, we will talk later ok." Olivia said before walking to Alex and giving her a gentle kiss.

Alex sighs, too tired to continue this feud., she simply said. "Ok."

Olivia gave a weak smile and began walking upstairs, hearing Alex getting her briefcase and leaving. Olivia ran her hands threw her own hair while walking into Miklos room.

Without warning she felt arms around her leg. She looked down seeing Miklos face filled with fear, tears covering his face.

"Oh Mickey What's wrong, tell mommy What's wrong." She said picking him up and setting him on his bed, as she kneeled in front of him. She wiped his face, taking his hand in her's.

"Honey tell me What's wrong."

Miklos sniffed, "You two were fighting."

"Oh Mickey im so sorry you had to hear that."

"You two were fighting because of me, its my fault!" Miklos responded looking away.

"No, its not your fault, we were just disagreeing on something that's all. Miklos we both love you, its just that sometimes grown ups have these disagreements." Olivia's eyes met Miklos. "Do you understand."

In between sniffs and small hiccups he nodded.

Olivia smiled, although her heart was breaking as she still saw the fear in her son's eyes. She embraced him in a hug.

"You know we both love you Mickey, you know that right?"

"I know you love me."

Olivia felt tears coming down. "We both love you ok."

"If you say so."

"No, I know so, Mickey Alex loves you, you are her son as well." She said hugging him again, this time when they broke bonds Miklos smiled.

"Thanks mom."

"Remember that ok."

He nodded. "Tell Lexxi I said goodnight pwease." Miklos said getting up and yawning.

Olivia smiled at so quickly he bounced back to his normal self. "Of course, goodnight honey."

"Goodnight mom." He ran over to Olivia and hugged her.

Olivia smiled, "Come on ill read ya a story."

"What kind?"

"Well..."

Olivia went back nearly five years ago, going back to the night her world changed...

* * *

-Alexx 


End file.
